News
Patience is the Capital "P" in Parenting
By Beth Corven, Associate Director
Aug 10, 2005, 19:57

I just wrapped up my first season coaching an under-6 soccer team this summer. Having coached older kids and having years of experience playing the game, I was totally prepared for the team.

Or so I thought.

Midway through my first practice, I realized that my experience with soccer was not quite as important as my experience parenting. With nine four and five year-olds running around following their every whim and every beetle and butterfly, patience became my personal coaching mantra.

Patience, especially in our adult world of work, timelines, and stress, creates an environment in which our children can play, learn and move at their own natural pace instead of ours. It allows our children to take the time they need to transition from one activity to another. It provides them with the opportunity to question things that we take for granted.

And we, as parents, will find that a little patience will decrease a lot of frustration as our kids dawdle, question, argue or simply ignore us.

Patience takes many shapes and forms. Sometimes it is just spending time answering the insatiable “whys” of a three year-old. Other times, it’s taking a deep breath before intervening in a situation that makes you angry. And often it’s just accepting that your child has no interest in or realization of your personal stresses, your overbooked calendar, or the clock on the wall that points out how late you’re going to be.

Patience is, indeed, a virtue. Though it is needed in almost every stressful situation, it can be difficult to find, to maintain and to use. As parents we are used to setting the pace, making decisions quickly, and asking our children to respond to us and live up to the expectations we set. We are used to being in charge and calling the shots.

When my children question me, my efficiency, or my beliefs, or when they push my acceptable limits of behavior, I often find myself getting defensive or angry. But there are a few things I try to remember when I find myself reaching the boiling point.

First, we cannot expect kids, even teenagers, to live by the clock as many of us do. My daughter is a big-time dawdler. When I am running late and she stops to pick flowers by the car, I take a deep breath and acknowledge that if I had wanted to be on time, I would have started earlier. I remind her that I would like her to hurry, and then I take another deep breath, let her pick a few flowers, and move her along.

Second, our kids are constantly testing new situations and learning new strategies for interacting in the world. Many of these are acceptable, and some are not. We parents are their guides for learning; however, they will have a difficult time learning life’s lessons if they are routinely subjected to angry outbursts.

Children learn more from our actions than our words. When we lose our tempers with our children, chances are that they will remember the anger more than the message. When we stop before we raise our voice, think before we speak and give ourselves a chance to understand what is truly going on before intervening, then we are modeling restraint and tolerance.

Lastly, many of the behaviors that frustrate parents are completely typical and part of the developmental process. Children push limits because they are learning what the limits are, or they ask thirty questions at a time because they are thirsty for understanding. We parents must understand that they are doing what they are developmentally supposed to be doing (not in terms of what we think they should be doing).

Patience must be taught, and learned, and practiced. I’ve found that patience takes on a whole new meaning with children. It’s easy to be patient for a letter to arrive in the mail, but it’s a different ballgame when it has to do with your child’s behavior. Remembering that they are just kids is a good first step.


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Family Services, Healthy Families, & Community Outreach
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